MIRACLES AT THE END OF MY LEG
In pirate times, if you lost your leg, the idea of recreating a leg and foot was so ridiculous that the very pragmatic pilferer's said fuck it, here's some wood, strap it on your bloody stump and get your ass back to work. Hundreds of years later and billions in R & D later we have machines that can mimic our foots bio mechanics but they're not going to win you any footraces....... for that you're going to need a tungsten titanium spatula attached to your stump that seems like just a modern version of the original pirate peg and has the nasty side affect of driving you crazy and making you want to shoot your girlfriend while she's taking a shit. Shoe companies seem to think they can improve on your foots natural movement instead of just protect it. I am under the impression that the human foot is a miracle and not a mistake. Did you know that your foot has 26 bones 33 joints and over 100 muscles and tendons in it? I didn't either, I just Googled it. One of the things that baffles me about running shoes is "Arch support". The architectural arch is unarguably one of the most important discoveries in human history. Capable of supporting enormous weights and spans, durable enough that we still have the Roman Coliseum, Aqueducts and a billion churches for retirees to visit on a Viking River Cruise. The arch utilizes gravity to create a structure nature and man are hard pressed to destroy. Anybody know what happens when you lift a keystone from underneath an arch? It weakens the arch and the whole thing comes down. Same with your foot, more arch support = weaker foot. More arch support is usually found on more cushony shoes so when your heel and forefoot sink into the shoe your arch is pushed up. This would crumble an arched doorway and it crumbles your foot too. Bill Bowerman invented the Nike running shoe with a waffle iron and some canvas and it was the shoe to have for serious runners for years.
Go to a running expo now and Nike is a f'ng joke. Don't get me wrong, they're not the only joke at an expo. I think the Newton Running shoe is ridiculous and that Hoka shoe is in my opinion not only dangerous but you look like a f'ng retard in them. I mean you Howard. Sorry buddy, you're a great guy but those make you look like your chromosomaly challenged. Even the best known dimwit athlete in the world knows to keep it simple, he ran across the USA a couple times in a pair of Nike Cortez, true story btw.
Bill Rodgers won the Boston Marathon 4 times and is still alive to answer the question, "What makes a perfect running shoe?" He told a New York Times blogger on wellness that it could be found in a pair of Asics, Montreal, that he had in 1976. Said they were the best shoes he ever wore!!!! Look at this f'ng shoe!!!! That answer is confusing to me because he owns a specialty running store that I stop by on Newberry Street in Boston, that sells all the crazy gels and airs. You're killing your bottom line Bill.
The Tarahumara people of Mexico call themselves "Raramuri" meaning "those who run fast". They run up to 200 miles in as short as two days through ravines that you couldn't get through in hiking boots. Know what they wear?
First of all, Dan, I can't believe you wait tables in a pair of two hundred dollar shoes....I didn't know they cost that much. I am not a fan of spring blades and paying that much for any shoes is a luxury I can't afford. I'll try some on. Maybe I'm wrong and I can find them on sale.
New Balance 2040v2 349.95
If I were a wolf for Halloween and needed some sneakers to match my costume and I were also the biggest asshole in the world I would seriously consider these sneaks. That's a f'ing car payment. I see corporate types shopping for cashmere dickwarmers at Burbury in these things. I don't care if they are the most comfortable shoes in the world. I'll never try them on. What if they were so good that you couldn't ever settle for less? I can't afford that. It's why you never go for a 10 in a bar she's a bitch that's not worth buying a martini for and you should let it be, because what if she isn't. What if she loves to drink whiskey and has a passion for Star Wars? You have some laughs, you say the wrong thing, she shuns you, and from there on out you spend your Friday nights feigning interest in a cliff hanging story about what some, 8 with a lazy eyes, cat did earlier that day instead of being with your dream girl. Lets just assume these sneakers are crap. For god sakes..... don't try them on.
Nike Air Max 189.95
These are not running shoes. These shoes say "I'm a serious runner that makes enough money to buy two hundred dollar shoes that I can't run in or wear with dress clothes, I wear these to Starbucks and the green market where I buy cider doughnuts to fill the void that is my personality" and/or "I aspire to this brand because it's all I know because I am from a depressed ethnic group". Either way, I would like a pair.
Asics Gel Kinsei 5 199.99
I am guilty of falling under the Asics spell. Put these on and your first thought is "Ooooohhww, thats how they can charge that much," it makes sense immediately. Having had a plethora of Kinsei and Kayano in the past I can tell you ; a) they get better every year b) the soul never delaminates like nikes do c) the cushioning and lining in the heel wears out faster than it should d) whatever they make the inside of Asics with, they smell like a bait shop dumpster in a month or so of actual running. e) they are so good at taking the shock out of your foot that you end up heel striking and wondering if you're prematurely aging when your hips and lower back are killing you after a long run. Love, hate kinda thing going on there.
Newton Running Gravity III 174.95
I chose this image so you could see that in fact all the color combinations are ugly. I guess the whole idea is that the ball/ridge of your forefoot protrudes so that if you don't toe strike it feels weird. In my mind, if you go from a regular drop running shoe to this, you are going to get hurt. The first time I ran in my barefoot Vibrams my calves almost tore off that night. This shoe is dangerous bordering on criminally negligent. I did try it on my verdict is .......... NO.
Brooks Glycerin 12 149.95 nite life 154.95
Good looking shoe....the nightlife version is neon and more visible in the dark, for which you pay an extra 5 bucks....if anyone from Brooks reads this blog....that's a dick move. I really believe in brooks as the best shoe for the money. I deem the Glycerin a finalist
Adidas Adistar Boost 169.95
I have had some Adidas in the past that didn't look like much but delivered great road feedback had just enough cushion and lasted for miles and miles. Most of the new ones have hard to break in footbeds and a real lack of consistency shoe to shoe. That being said I just bough some Adidas golf shoes and they're bad ass, could these be a winner too?
Hoka One One Conquest 2 169.95
Some graphics are not enough to disguise the real identity of this shoe. This is a Sketcher butt toner worn by chain smoking single secretaries in their early 40's with the intention of getting the 30% of their ass that fell down the back of their leg, back in their Walmart panties that bisect said turd cutter like string on a ham. Yuk. If you bought these, you are a fool.
Saucony Triumph ISO 149.95
This used to be "the" shoe I had a pair in high school that were awesome. This one probably is too but I'll never know because it's too ugly for Stevie Wonder to wear. WTF? Who's in charge here? Hey sneaker companies.. If you make a really comfortable shoe... make it available in all white and all black. You will sell out to millions of service industry people and those who are on their feet all day for work.
Altra Instinct 2 104.95
Have you seen the commercials for these with the guy running from the bulls and shit? That was pretty cool. Whats up with the disconnect between your ad company and your shoe designer? These things are f'ng hideous. I'm going to try them out anyhow eventually because I hear so many good things and the price is reasonable..... but jesus, wearable pussy repellent. You can not look cool in these.
Nike Zoom Terra Wildhorse 109.95
These Look eerily similar to the original Air Pegasus. Simple and functional, I can't wait to try these on.
Mens Under Armor Charge RC 2 119.95
Under Armor is not kidding with this thing, it's a serious shoe. I tried it on, loved the fit but it's really a tri shoe. I wouldn't want to wear it with socks it's meant to get wet. If I have some spare cash or I see it at an expo I'm getting a pair. I'm all Imelda Marco on these things.
Brooks Pure Connect 99.95
This is what I ordered from Roadrunner Sports Already. Minimalist without being masochistic about my commitment to a running ideal. Decent looking, well constructed, by a brand I trust and purchased from a great online retailer that gives V.I.P. discounts and I get 9.9% back by using my Dubli toolbar. Download your free Dubli toolbar by using this link bit.ly/simplyfreecashback
Hope you were entertained, thank you for reading my blog and look for ridiculous true and plausibly deniable stories and rhetoric on my website eatbikedrinkrun.com in the near future.
In pirate times, if you lost your leg, the idea of recreating a leg and foot was so ridiculous that the very pragmatic pilferer's said fuck it, here's some wood, strap it on your bloody stump and get your ass back to work. Hundreds of years later and billions in R & D later we have machines that can mimic our foots bio mechanics but they're not going to win you any footraces....... for that you're going to need a tungsten titanium spatula attached to your stump that seems like just a modern version of the original pirate peg and has the nasty side affect of driving you crazy and making you want to shoot your girlfriend while she's taking a shit. Shoe companies seem to think they can improve on your foots natural movement instead of just protect it. I am under the impression that the human foot is a miracle and not a mistake. Did you know that your foot has 26 bones 33 joints and over 100 muscles and tendons in it? I didn't either, I just Googled it. One of the things that baffles me about running shoes is "Arch support". The architectural arch is unarguably one of the most important discoveries in human history. Capable of supporting enormous weights and spans, durable enough that we still have the Roman Coliseum, Aqueducts and a billion churches for retirees to visit on a Viking River Cruise. The arch utilizes gravity to create a structure nature and man are hard pressed to destroy. Anybody know what happens when you lift a keystone from underneath an arch? It weakens the arch and the whole thing comes down. Same with your foot, more arch support = weaker foot. More arch support is usually found on more cushony shoes so when your heel and forefoot sink into the shoe your arch is pushed up. This would crumble an arched doorway and it crumbles your foot too. Bill Bowerman invented the Nike running shoe with a waffle iron and some canvas and it was the shoe to have for serious runners for years.
No shit, this what they wear. Read all about it in "Born to Run" the best running book ever written by Christopher McDougall. Long and short of it is, shoe companies make a stupid amount of money off selling shoes that f'ck you up and then more shoes to fix that f'ck up. It's like heroin, first taste is great then makes you sick and the only cure is more heroin. I'm not a scientist nor have I gone to school for bio mechanics but I didn't go to school for getting hammered or embarrassing myself either, some things are just intuitive. That being said these are a few choices I'm considering and not considering based on the low arch, minimalist criteria, I use when shopping for shoes.
Mizuno Wave Prophecy 4 209.95
First of all, Dan, I can't believe you wait tables in a pair of two hundred dollar shoes....I didn't know they cost that much. I am not a fan of spring blades and paying that much for any shoes is a luxury I can't afford. I'll try some on. Maybe I'm wrong and I can find them on sale.New Balance 2040v2 349.95
If I were a wolf for Halloween and needed some sneakers to match my costume and I were also the biggest asshole in the world I would seriously consider these sneaks. That's a f'ing car payment. I see corporate types shopping for cashmere dickwarmers at Burbury in these things. I don't care if they are the most comfortable shoes in the world. I'll never try them on. What if they were so good that you couldn't ever settle for less? I can't afford that. It's why you never go for a 10 in a bar she's a bitch that's not worth buying a martini for and you should let it be, because what if she isn't. What if she loves to drink whiskey and has a passion for Star Wars? You have some laughs, you say the wrong thing, she shuns you, and from there on out you spend your Friday nights feigning interest in a cliff hanging story about what some, 8 with a lazy eyes, cat did earlier that day instead of being with your dream girl. Lets just assume these sneakers are crap. For god sakes..... don't try them on.
Nike Air Max 189.95
These are not running shoes. These shoes say "I'm a serious runner that makes enough money to buy two hundred dollar shoes that I can't run in or wear with dress clothes, I wear these to Starbucks and the green market where I buy cider doughnuts to fill the void that is my personality" and/or "I aspire to this brand because it's all I know because I am from a depressed ethnic group". Either way, I would like a pair.
Asics Gel Kinsei 5 199.99
I am guilty of falling under the Asics spell. Put these on and your first thought is "Ooooohhww, thats how they can charge that much," it makes sense immediately. Having had a plethora of Kinsei and Kayano in the past I can tell you ; a) they get better every year b) the soul never delaminates like nikes do c) the cushioning and lining in the heel wears out faster than it should d) whatever they make the inside of Asics with, they smell like a bait shop dumpster in a month or so of actual running. e) they are so good at taking the shock out of your foot that you end up heel striking and wondering if you're prematurely aging when your hips and lower back are killing you after a long run. Love, hate kinda thing going on there.
Newton Running Gravity III 174.95
I chose this image so you could see that in fact all the color combinations are ugly. I guess the whole idea is that the ball/ridge of your forefoot protrudes so that if you don't toe strike it feels weird. In my mind, if you go from a regular drop running shoe to this, you are going to get hurt. The first time I ran in my barefoot Vibrams my calves almost tore off that night. This shoe is dangerous bordering on criminally negligent. I did try it on my verdict is .......... NO.
Brooks Glycerin 12 149.95 nite life 154.95
Good looking shoe....the nightlife version is neon and more visible in the dark, for which you pay an extra 5 bucks....if anyone from Brooks reads this blog....that's a dick move. I really believe in brooks as the best shoe for the money. I deem the Glycerin a finalist
Adidas Adistar Boost 169.95
I have had some Adidas in the past that didn't look like much but delivered great road feedback had just enough cushion and lasted for miles and miles. Most of the new ones have hard to break in footbeds and a real lack of consistency shoe to shoe. That being said I just bough some Adidas golf shoes and they're bad ass, could these be a winner too?
Hoka One One Conquest 2 169.95
Some graphics are not enough to disguise the real identity of this shoe. This is a Sketcher butt toner worn by chain smoking single secretaries in their early 40's with the intention of getting the 30% of their ass that fell down the back of their leg, back in their Walmart panties that bisect said turd cutter like string on a ham. Yuk. If you bought these, you are a fool.
Saucony Triumph ISO 149.95
This used to be "the" shoe I had a pair in high school that were awesome. This one probably is too but I'll never know because it's too ugly for Stevie Wonder to wear. WTF? Who's in charge here? Hey sneaker companies.. If you make a really comfortable shoe... make it available in all white and all black. You will sell out to millions of service industry people and those who are on their feet all day for work.
Altra Instinct 2 104.95
Have you seen the commercials for these with the guy running from the bulls and shit? That was pretty cool. Whats up with the disconnect between your ad company and your shoe designer? These things are f'ng hideous. I'm going to try them out anyhow eventually because I hear so many good things and the price is reasonable..... but jesus, wearable pussy repellent. You can not look cool in these.
Nike Zoom Terra Wildhorse 109.95
These Look eerily similar to the original Air Pegasus. Simple and functional, I can't wait to try these on.
Mens Under Armor Charge RC 2 119.95
Under Armor is not kidding with this thing, it's a serious shoe. I tried it on, loved the fit but it's really a tri shoe. I wouldn't want to wear it with socks it's meant to get wet. If I have some spare cash or I see it at an expo I'm getting a pair. I'm all Imelda Marco on these things.
Brooks Pure Connect 99.95
This is what I ordered from Roadrunner Sports Already. Minimalist without being masochistic about my commitment to a running ideal. Decent looking, well constructed, by a brand I trust and purchased from a great online retailer that gives V.I.P. discounts and I get 9.9% back by using my Dubli toolbar. Download your free Dubli toolbar by using this link bit.ly/simplyfreecashback
Hope you were entertained, thank you for reading my blog and look for ridiculous true and plausibly deniable stories and rhetoric on my website eatbikedrinkrun.com in the near future.
No comments:
Post a Comment